‘Why isn’t anyone congratulating me? Sadly, my daughter’s arrival wasn’t celebrated…’
We had to bid our young child goodnight at midnight and return to our room. It was quite difficult to leave her. I thought we had to keep her safe. I questioned whether she questioned our inability to accompany her. I questioned whether she felt unwelcome.
I was torn apart internally when she leaned in towards my breast but I was forbidden from nursing her. I was turning my child away. Bella desired closer ties with her mother, as well as greater intimacy and a sense of security. She also required food to satisfy her hunger. These were the things that I was unable to provide her.
Once in our room, my husband and I circled back to our feelings, talked a bit more, cried a lot more, kissed goodnight, and went into our own thoughts.
The next day, things were a little bit more tranquil. Our parents both showed up early to be there for us. Between UCSF Children’s Benioff and Stanford Children’s, we had to make a significant choice. We felt it would be better to call my best friend who worked in the medical sector after taking that into consideration.
Bella is present and in the NICU, “hi Noel.” Although our trip is different and she is a little different, I still need your assistance. Family and friends are everything. That’s all right, Liz. Don’t worry, I’ll be there immediately, and everything will be alright.
Within 20 minutes following my phone call, Noel arrived at our house. After going over our options, she summoned Kevin, a local surgeon, to help us make decisions. Noel’s phone call gave us access to the top surgeons and medical professionals.
I got a text from Carol, who oversees the Children’s craniofacial department, in less than an hour. Bella’s settlement had expanded and our journey had started.
We were transported to Children’s Benioff in Oakland on Saturday, October 27, 2018. As I entered Bella’s room, I noticed that she was covered with wires. She was so little and vulnerable. She probably questioned why her tiny body couldn’t be left alone.
As she was being moved to the incubator, I sung to her. We informed her as we held her little hands that her parents would be right behind her.
